Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Only True Vice Was Smoking

If you know me well, you know these things about me...
  • I don't drink
  • I don't do drugs
  • I don't gamble
  • I don't swear
  • I don't sleep around
  • I don't even buy lottery tickets

My only true vice has been smoking cigarettes.
And now I don't do that.

I have been without a cigarette for a whole week.

You may think that isn't long enough for me to say that I have truly quit, but I think it's a fair statement considering the circumstances.

How did I quit?

Our wonderful government decided to add a flame retardant to the cigarette papers, and I am allergic to it.

How nice of them.

I'm betting that more than 99% of  smokers have NOT caused any forest fires because if they had, there would be fires constantly burning ALL of the time all over this land and we would not be able to keep them down.

So, let's insert an ingredient that is toxic and deadly to the smoker, so we can stop all of those non-existent fires. Some say the ingredient is a carpet glue. Others say it is sodium silicate, which can cause many reactions.

Whatever it is, it causes my lips to swell and tingle, and has taken all of the pleasure out of my 4 or 5 cigarettes a day.

I loved my cigarettes.
I loved smoking.
I miss it.

It has also burned a few holes in my coat. You see, I go outside to smoke and in the winter that means wearing your coat. This new fire safe cigarette just causes more ashes to burn off and float onto your clothing, leaving holes.

I can think of so many things that are so much more important than spending the research money and the time on fire proofing cigarettes... Let's see, we have the homeless, the hungry, the drug addicts, those dying of cancer (including those with lung cancer who never smoked), the paralyzed from spinal cord injuries,  those dying with Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimer's and a plethora of other deadly diseases...


I don't ask for much, but honestly, I do not understand these attacks on smokers! I don't advocate allowing smokers to smoke just anywhere... I smoke(d) on my own property all by myself, not hurting another single soul.

I guess it will take another 20 to 30 years to realize that the true culprit of most forms of lung disease is in the air... put there by car fumes, industrial pollutants, etc.

Meanwhile,

Thank God our government decided to control all of those fires started by cigarette smokers.

Now I guess I'm almost perfect. 

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!




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